So, I just totally looked at all of my old journal entries and it's kinda funny to see how I used to be. So cold, so alone, so much self hatred it almost makes me wanna giggle.

Man, it's so weird how 5 years can change someone's life. I can see that during the first year or so of my being on DA that I was a sad sad child, still in my late teens (19 to be exact) afraid of the big world presented to me, still thinking with that high school attitude. I also noticed that I was just getting into music that changed my life.

Looks like 2004 was still a shitty year for life, I was 20 then. Still unsure of who I would become and what I would do with everything (what I thought was nothing) that I had. Around June 30th, my life had a huge change. I met the girl I almost married. I stopped coming to this site and looking at things that were here. I stopped writing all together and stopped submitting. The last thing on my mind was this site.

Here's where the major dead spot is for blog entries, so I can't see how things were, but I can remember them like they happened yesterday. Those were the days when I started growing up. When I finally started to become who I am today.

Two years go by and you get one journal entry. Anyone who knew me knew that it was horrid news. My fiance (at the time) left me 3 days before the wedding. The actual day she left me was April 27th (Not that hard to remember, I was supposed to get married April 30th.) That was the start of what would become the biggest depression of my life.

Six months later, my Mother passed away in her sleep from hardening of her arteries. It was prolly one of the harddest things to go through. I don't really remember much. It's all a blur. The week of planning the funeral with my father, going to the funeral or anything. I do remember the funeral sorta though. It was cool and brisk out. While driving to the cemetary out of the clouds came a single beam of sunlight on the street we were driving down. I cried hard.

The year following that I became an alcoholic. An alcoholic with my dad at that. From wake till sleep it was nothing but tequila and beer and delivered pizza. I became a shut in. I became agoraphobic. I became a nobody.

Hell, even in 2007 I was still in this deep dark rut. Everywhere I looked there was no escape. I had been kicked while I was down in a hole and pushed into a deeper one. The climb out was hard as hell, but I got out.

All the while I still never visited DA, while the community was still changing, I was frozen in time in one thought process. Even though I never visited, I thought about it from time to time.

In the beginning of 2008 I started finding my way out. I lost my internet connection, therefore cutting out the one thing I used to cope with my pain, which was World Of Warcraft. The one thing that was stopping me from growing and getting over things because it was a place I could be someone I wasn't. The first month was hard. I didn't have my coping device. I was an addict. I would freak out. I didn't have a heater all winter so I froze almost every day, I wanted to die, I didn't know how to deal with my inner demons.

A few months later I started going through things in my head. I started getting better, feeling better. I felt like I had a lot less weight on my shoulders, I started feeling good about myself.

Once spring time hit I started feeling really good. I mustered the strength to at least go outside. Summer came around and I started hanging out with the dude across the street.

I started looking for a job and decided to grow up, hell, I had to. My water had been shut off for a few months and stealing water from the neighbor in the middle of the night was getting risky. I had even been caught a few times.

I finally got a job, borrowed some money from my grandparents and got my water going again.

It's weird. I don' even feel like the same person anymore, but an evolved version of myself. One that's on a higher plane than that of my younger self, but I guess most people would be able to agree on that.

I still listen to heavy music, but damn, the light music and electro music of the world is damn amazing too. I've even started writing my own electro sexy music. I call it mellowtronic, you can hear it here [link] . It's all done my me with a program called FruityLoops. I still get negative thoughts from time to time but damn, I can't put myself through that kind of pain anymore. It's just too stupid and selfish. I have to make something of myself.

There's a point in your life when you stop looking back and you start looking forward. I've just now hit that part of my life, and damn, does it feel good.

It's nice that I was able to have these old journals to look back at. While laughable at best, they're still a bit of me. It's kinda like looking at myself after going through a time machine. To see how I've grown is amazing.

Huh, this thing got long. I'll cut it here, but here's some words to go out on.

Don't focus yourself in the past, move ahead to the future. Things WILL get better, believe it or not. Never stop believing in yourself, because once you do, it's over. Last but not least, never stop dreaming and never give up hope. The two things that can make things bearable is hopes and dreams. Don't let them escape you.

~Andy Joe.